sigh

i hate this feeling of loneliness.

of not being able to do anything about my life.

what's a home to me?

i really wanna get out of this place.

im sick and tired of living.

sick and tired of crying for no reason at all.

sick and tired of being judged by a piece of paper.

people should know that great things CAN happen
but if they don't it's ok too.

if everything in this world were great and achieveable,
then where's the accomplishment in it?
where's the wonder and "greatness" behind it?


im sick that saha is so caring.
not coz he cares but coz i cant tell him what i want to tell him.

so even when i do what's he gonna do?
wave his magic wand and make everything alright for me?

he worries me and even i cant do that for him.


i really feel very useless and all that.
i hope everything can be ok.
soon.
i really hate this.

its all i can do to keep sane and not try to kill myself.
i believe that this is just a trying time.
but what the FUCK? you know.
nothing is going right
just coz of a spilled drink.
i feel like i dont have a family.

i don't know if i love them or hate them
i don't understand why i cry so easily
i dont understand why im so WEAK.
i dont understand why i cant feel chipper about stuff
be more positive

and here i am where all people think is a big problem is that the person they like is not liking them back.

i dont know why im crying.
because i dont feel part of the family or because i wanted to not be part of the family and i got it and i hate it.
i dont know and i dont understand.

WHY ME?


am i just so fucking RUDE?
so many things.
i just want to FORGET.


and even then, its just running away
and my notion of forgetting is so wrong.


SCREW THIS.


and saha,
i will never break.