hhmms

some things are best kept a secret
no one understands you more that you do

back to blog nonsense again
god, there's nothing to talk about but i'll keep yakking
so i wonder

does it all lead to me?
was it so wrong of me to shut out my feelings?
just so
maybe to avoid being hurt?
or whatever...
i dunno i dunno i dunno

over dinner my dad told me tt the results were coming out on monday.
i knew like days ago
so anyways he told me that if i can go to a "college" pls do so.
then he told me that he spoke to some people at his workplace who did go thru a JC life
he said that the 2 years that you spend there are gonna be tough but once you get to a University it'll all be a breeze
then he said that after Uni you can easily be an officer at where he's working

throughout that whole "conversation" i just kept quiet and looked down at my plate of rice, concentrating, subconsciously hoping that a hole would appear just swallow me up.

then my mom jumped in and said jokingly don't stress her out, she's tense.
i smiled politely at that
then my father said that he prefers me to go to a "college"
and that i should "aim high"

in the 15 minutes that i took to devour my dinner i simply grinned at the jokes that needed to be laughed at and kept silent being careful not to say a word

when i was in primary two i wanted to get into 3A
coz it was the first class
i got into 3J, god knows why
my results were not that bad.

when i was in primary three i wanted to be in EM1.
the best of the best, creme de la creme
i got into EM2 but in one of the top three classes

when i was in primary 5 i was pressured to go into BPGH
because my cousin was in BPGH
most my 6 choices of secondary school were ridiculous
but i got into USS

when i was in secondary 2 i wanted not to mention was driven by my parents to get into triple science.
yay me i achieved it

havent i aimed high enough dad?
havent i got into wherever you wanted me to go to?
even before i was in secondary school i was determined to get into the express stream

im just afraid that if i go into a poly you wont think much of me
like im a failure

even before my prelims came around i've wanted to tell you that i might get into a poly
to try and get you used to the idea
to not put too much hope
but you still hope n hope n hope
why?
i just dont want you to see me differently if i get into a poly
is poly so bad?
really?
you dont like me going there issit?
i feel as tho if i go to a poly you'd see me as a failure
even if i go to a Uni
even if i shine

why huh?

all i want right now is to get my result slip without any tears
without any regrets
without any fears
fears about my future and fears of disappointment from you

would it be so bad?

i fear that even if i do get to a JC
i would struggle
i've had enough of crying
of all the pressure and stress you put on me

secondary four
my year of ups and downs
you don't know how low i felt that year
even when u "knew" that there were some things that i could not cope with

nevermind.