karma

2006-07-16T23:56:00.000+08:00

IGNORANCE IS BLISS :)

2006-07-14T16:09:00.000+08:00

i've already gotten back three out of my five papers

i totalled my physics paper.

i'm a lil bummed i didn't meet expectations in my gp though. and my gp teacher is expecting more. which is a lil irritating and nice-ish at the same time. gp is the only subject i take half pride in. and i did make a resolution to top my class in gp.

i did pretty well for my summary. and im getting better in the aq section. must put in more effort and interest during lessons.

hhmm. quite a perk actually.

malay came as a total shock. she arranged the papers starting with the highest scores. i cursed at that.

i told myself i'd absolutely die if my name got called out like somewhere in the end or something.

but for an hour's worth of shit for paper2 and sleeping halfway during paper1? im truly amazed at myself.

i went to the moon and back.

i have yet to tell mom. i feel like dirt. but my friends keep me so amused. i'm not hiding anything. i am pretty much still very shaken. but i've given up everything on a silver plate so there's no need to cry anymore. or so i think. gaah! i'm going along and playing this game just fine. just like i used to play command and conquer.
but its hard to ignore all the gatalness.

so here i am again wallowing like i love to do. im kinda happy but not enough. there's still the A level subjects to think about. i know im screwed and im not gonna let that happen. im not a failure like...opps! >:)

i've nothing to prove with these results and im too worried, fucked up, upset and miserable to share it face to face with the people who 'care'.

'the best thing about suicide
is that its not something you have to do now
or you'll never get the chance.
i mean, you can always do it later...'

never beef JERKy!

think

2006-07-13T19:03:00.000+08:00

i contemplated going on a hiatus.
but i realised this is the one thing keeping me half sane.

everyday i shed a tear for myself
im desperately trying to stop
i love myself
i dont wanna mess up anymore

bored

2006-07-12T20:27:00.000+08:00

im creatively boooored
i am so lazy to go to school

what's more
there's the promise of getting them papers back
which will totally suck.
im starting to worry i won't get promoted
what a waste of my time!
i must force myself to study
if in the next two weeks there is no absolute improvement
i'll shoot myself

what else?
i went out today
ate two trucks' worth of food
and bought two pairs of shoes
muaahaa!
i wanted to show mom the pair i intend to save up for
but i saw giovanna
pretty shoes!
got me a pair of aladdin thongs in white
with the curly toes
and those shoes with the pointy ends
really pretty in black
size 8 believe it or not
and they are not too friendly now
im gonna scholl them
haha!
both at $29.90
but if we bought two
we'd get like a 40% discount
that's a whole $12 off!
im such a bimbo!

mom says now i cant get levi's
blah!
will get them with my own cash
save up for those expensive, spiteful and i-love-me slippers
and also indulge in an old school high collar puma jacket
which adds up to $100
bah!
and i want a new handphone
goodness!
i've had it since 2003?
and all my friends have already graduated to a different model
grr!

PARENT'S NIGHT!
GAAAAH!

misery

2006-07-08T20:24:00.000+08:00

i am miserable.

i'm the prettiest shade of blue
and black
that you'll ever lay your eyes on

so to sum it all up
"faster kill, faster still pussycat"

you fucking bitch
it'll make the whole world 'right' won't it?
ppfftt

why

2006-07-05T13:28:00.000+08:00

why are YOU here?
im sorry i cant stand you

true enough.
why ARE you here?

why are you reading this when there are things more worth your time than reading this shit of piece of shit
my my aren't you a proud little one...
like dog.
taking all the sisa-sisa makanan
aku tahu kau desperate untuk dier
skarang baru aku faham apasal korang slalu gaduh
tapikan kau punyer kehendakkan tu eh...
boleh tak kau alas?
bodoh.
sundals.

im second to none.

yes today im fucking full of myself.
because tomorrow's a new day
with new fears and tears that'll never end
oh and of course
who can forget abrupt endings?
or the wastage of 10cents
all on a few words

somehow
things always steered your way
you always get what you wanted
that's what i hate about you

i want cheese fries tomorrow
thank god i've got that spare pair of shoulders
the pair that i never have to explain anything to
i can give the most vague of answers and reasons that dont add up
and it still wont matter

funny how those shoulders
reminded me of the start of the year
funnier that those shoulders
are the ones that i despise the most

heavens!
do you KNOW what im yakking about?
you dont right?
so what was the purpose of you coming here?
to pry right?
i believe that i've never revealed anything to my loyal masses of fucktard readers

finally,
the person who doesn't have any secrets
might just be worst than the one who has many

what i mean?
i mean that there is NO point telling people anything
thrash about in front of people if you have to
just keep your goddamn mouth shut

because a burden is a burden
and it's only yours to carry
and only you understand the whole complex shindig

what the fuck did i just say?
it took me two years
let's rack up more points
and more dust to this willingness shitbag

precious my arse.
unfortunate event.
irrelevant.

and the worst thing is
im here.
in a fetal position
in a corner
afraid to move

and pandora's box looks sooo pretty

diamonds

2006-07-01T10:25:00.000+08:00

what are we all?
uncut diamonds?
diamonds in the rough?

goddammit.
i wish i was rich enough to treat myself to a small lil diamond
mom did that once.
the ring can only fit in my thumb.
dang.
and i dont trust myself with rings.
nad can vouch for that :)

naddie,
i know the last conversation with me on MSN was such a bitch
yeah i was such a skank.
lol
im sorry k?
will buy u some choco or something.
heh

i just had a random thought about my friend
he used to type his feelings in MS Word.
damn cute can?
lol
cheers apool!
i miss our chi ko peh conversations
and i miss jie hao bomoh face...
lol
sour grapes.
SUNDAL!!!

sigh i miss my secondary school days
they sure weren't kidding when they said its the funnest years of your lives
yeah funnest is not a word. bite me.
i miss standing outside the staff room to look at myself in the long mirror
i miss the round building that we called our classroom.
so elitist
top 3 classes my FOOT!
lol
where are we all now man?
4/7 rocks.

i thought my years in this institution would be the best few years.
i mean being in your light years and all.
i am SO wrong.
have yet to rack up some detentions.
MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

just remebered my stunt in sec2
and how i was such a bad tempered bitch.
i've got people to vouch for that too!

oh oh!!!
"walk summore walk summore!"
wuahahahaha!

when did i get my marksmanship badge?
blissful year
worth all the blisters and chopstick hands.
remember those?
should have gone for the shooting competition.
what else?

OH!
sec3...
never listening to mr yap or mr arul
scored horribly for physics and bio...
friday afternoon literature classes
"what's a tart?"
*snorts*
King of the Castle.
Mr Hooper is a sex maniac.
Mrs Kingshaw a desperate bitch.
saying fuck just because it's a quotation.
MRS SELVA :)
Swenson's
choco dipped banana...
BLONDE JOKES!

chem practicals :)
how to pose topless
"rejects!"
anorexia
bullimia
hallucinations
NCO camps
bio practicals
star wars in physics lab
screwing up and faking it during physics
"what did he just tell us to do?"
LOL
remember feez?
god i miss sitting next to you

molestations of miss shortie :)
whom im supposed to meet in a few minutes
and im horribly late!!

you waved me away.i cant believe it.

2006-06-28T15:28:00.000+08:00

everyone but me
why do i have to stick my guts out
and swallow my pride?
why?

what? no pom-poms?

thanks.
everyone but
everyone but

done?
so i know now
wasted

put on a black suit
and mourn
for every smile that i had to fake
for every laugh that i had to force

pray for me
pray i'll make it thru
pray i have patience
pray i have the sanity to think straight

i cant wait to run tomorrow
i have a splitting headache
looking at you makes it worse
thinking about your hypocritical words sickens and depresses me

everyone but

mommy, make it stop
make it STOP!
please please
make it stop

2006-06-26T20:03:00.000+08:00

why?
just why?
i couldnt keep the frown offa my face
and i barely ate

PE was love.
wind in hair, track, anger
sun, sweat...
absolut love

retards don't know what the fuck it means by 8 counts of 10.

what's the purpose of that?
pah!
popularity issues la.
fuck it

i was actually awake during physics lecture.
hurrah.

lets start burning those midnight oils

tamil

2006-06-25T13:06:00.000+08:00

eh?
blah blah blah

like has anyone completed their maths homework?
i lost mine i think
yay!

im not in the mood for anything
why is it that she doesnt want to see him?
and then suddenly someone came into the picture?
convenient huh?

and then that other person
what's up with you?
starting all over again
you find someone when she's not around?
its not the nicest feeling
the least you could do is tell that someone straight to their face
"yes, she's not here so im talking to you"
cheap thrill

now i suddenly regret my whole year one life.
oh fuck you.

when is this year gonna be over?

i've got this feeling.
that im gonna laugh so much tomorrow
but!
yeah but.

who is that girl i see
staring straight back at me?

broed

2006-06-24T12:58:00.000+08:00

c'mon baby we ain't gonna live forever
let me show you all the things that we could do
blah blah blah
and i wanna spend the night with you
yeah yeah with you
come with me tonight
we could make it all last forever

but now forever's come and gone
blah blah blah

'cause you were only playing
you were only playing with my heart
i was never waiting
i was never waiting for the tears to start

it was you who put the clouds around me
it was you who made the tears fall down
it was you who broke my heart to pieces
it was you
it was you who made my blue eyes blue

i love these songs :)
stupidly enough, i never got the blue eyes blue thing
hhmm...

lets consider this situation
i wanna do something
but it might be premature
but what if premature's the best way?
but as with all permature stuff
there's that risk of it dying
or making it even worse

but the thing is
what if you wait too long
and the moment just
passes you by
isnt that just the pits?

HALT!
inertia
everything has inertia
but once its done
its done

hhmm..leap of faith?
timing?

i think i'm gonna release a red balloon
and watch it?
hhmm...

you cant just say stuff like that
wait a little while more
i really felt like a shitbag

2006-06-10T22:13:00.000+08:00

Let's skip the goodbyes.

Whatever I said, is all bull-fucking-crap.

"It's not deception. Its perception."

"Memories sunk in time but always floating around"

Which do you wanna bury?
Us or the hatchet?

The more I think the worse I become.

Shit.

So thank you and goodnight.

so it does

2006-06-08T17:19:00.000+08:00

so you stole my heart
and left me a ransom letter
demanding i treat you better
should i ever want you back

have u seen how highways are built?
and there's that concrete with all the metal rods sticking out?
support. it makes the concrete stronger.

apply it to yourself.
you're the concrete
and the rods are...i dont know
your morals, your faith, your hope
everything you stand for i guess
without them, you're not strong
physically or mentally
put more pressure on it
and it breaks, it crumbles and it falls

my rod is only so far in
i've yet to had it rammed into me
someone dear to me pushed it in just that slight bit more
and with everything that has to be pushed into you, it hurts
but i've got my painkillers :)

i've only to wait and see
sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do
and nothing worth having is ever easy
doesnt matter what it is or what form it is
or what you label it as -and labels fade thru time anyway-
you've just got to fight for it
but stick to your guts
i'm gonna try that now

of course i will look back
think of all the what ifs and the shoulda woulda couldas
but this is it.
i wanna stand up and walk away
slowly? quickly?
only time will tell
but im not going to forget

they say some things can't be taught.
but what about all those "creative thinking" workshops?
and the entrepreneurship courses?

live in the moment --
take a good look at your surroundings,
see the potential,
and partake the possibilities

666

2006-06-06T11:52:00.000+08:00

What a day.
It would only come once.
And to make it better, its raining.

Perfect isn't it?
And here I am sitting at home.
Fuck you bitch.
I mean it. Really.

Don't assume you know you cunt-face.

I hope I get to send you off.
I really do.
I wanna make up for it darling.
I'll even buy you an Ice Blended (I think)

I love the airport anyway.
Reflection reflection reflection.

RUMIT

2006-06-03T21:01:00.000+08:00

don't go chasing waterfalls

i wonder how long im gonna wonder
i wonder if what im wondering is a waste of time
i also wonder if it'll come true
or if it'll come bite me in the ass

its like throwing it off a cliff
and then running down
to catch it

hopeless. that's what it is.

best fun ever darls! :)
hope you're ok.

i'm always gonna worry 'bout
the things that could make us cold

cheers

2006-06-02T15:03:00.000+08:00

I wanna ditch the "logical"

Like letting an elephant walk the tightrope
Drunk.

.

2006-06-01T00:13:00.000+08:00

i hate it all.

2006-05-30T22:53:00.000+08:00

its all OVER

im so sorry...
its me

plant

2006-04-19T21:22:00.000+08:00

i dont know about her.
its just...i get so fucking jealous whenever he talks about her
like im just that other girlfriend
another girlfriend
to kiss to hold to say i love u i miss u to
its like he puts her on a pedestal
taking just now as an example
he was like when he said short skirts i immediately turned to plant
coz when she goes out she wears really short skirts.
i know she looks like whatever in her uniform but she dresses really well
and well, im not the best dresser around town i admit
only coz im muslim and my parents are too conservative and im too fat
there.

god, i feel like crying...
im fact, i am!
sheesh.
its so stupid.
got me a lil upset.
sigh.
i so hate myself.
and im so spiteful.
coz after he made that comment
and he said call me later...i was gonna say no.
because i didnt wanna get upset again.
sigh. im hurting myself too much over nothing.

hearty farty

2006-03-01T11:07:00.000+08:00

be still my heart

im scared
i cannot bear to let him go

den soccer mat how?

complaint

2006-02-28T22:07:00.000+08:00

what a day
of sensual touches
caresses and mindless boarding of buses
i thought we'd never see a crack
and yet i did

and its scaring me so much
its pissing me off at times
its irritating
coz i feel so much
so alive with him
its happening all over again
im gonna hurt myself again
and him along with it

i never wanted to have feelings
i never wanted it to develop
who why what triggered it?
my racing heart
missing the wrong person
hits and misses

he's always there
and the other?
no...HE's the OTHER
red. red's the other.
not chunk.
not chunk.

i must find a cure and a solution.

birthday

2006-02-19T13:58:00.000+08:00

its my birthday today and im going out with saha.
mr rockkit.

shit la. he's like my bf instead of wan darls.
god, does he care?
sheesh
its almost been a month since we've been together
and look where we are.
NOWHERE

and saha...
fuck la
i feel like such a burden.
shit.

why?

2006-02-03T19:40:00.000+08:00

I dont understand it. I mean haish...

She just put me in the doldrums. Sure, at first it will be the honeymoon period.
But I really wanna try it this time.
I really wanna make it work.
I wanna be in an at least half-decent relationship.
I wanna be there with him thru the ups and downs.
And I just wanna feel something.

I cannot believe how selfish she was.
I've been in and out of flings.

Even Saha/Goldy/Weirdo said I look like a fling kinda girl.

I wanna change that. I want this to be different.
I wanna feel like I've got someone by my side.
I know it might not be the real thing, but I WANT this to work.

I don't want this to be another wasted love.
To find that I let go of another great guy who I just couldn't bring myself to really really like a lot.
I told her that just because her relationship with that guy turned out that way it doesn't mean that mine wuold turn out that way too.

She insisted tt its true.

And i blurted out to her why she couldn't be happy for me.
She said she was.
My foot la.
I kinda regret telling her.
And all this coz she patched up with that guy again.
Coz she felt lonely.

Well babes, not MY fault u cant stand on your own two feet after a year of being coupled.
I could for two years and my heart yearned and yearned for one guy after another that I couldn't get and look how independent I am.
You got lonely only after what? A month or two of not what? Sms-ing someone? Talking goo-goo to someone on the phone?
Fuck it. And fuck you ok?
It wasn't fair of u to poke a hole in my balloon before I even blew it.

chunky monkey

2006-01-31T18:04:00.000+08:00

you're so hypnotic on my heart

i think i like this guy alot.
though its only been two days la.
i dont care ok.

jade loves her chunkey munkeyy.

hahaha.

oh and SAHA RAWKS la!
for reasons that are very obvious to me and not to you.
:)
yay! many thanks and much love Saha!
this is the start of something good.
don't u agree?

jade stones.

sigh

2006-01-08T15:59:00.000+08:00

i hate this feeling of loneliness.

of not being able to do anything about my life.

what's a home to me?

i really wanna get out of this place.

im sick and tired of living.

sick and tired of crying for no reason at all.

sick and tired of being judged by a piece of paper.

people should know that great things CAN happen
but if they don't it's ok too.

if everything in this world were great and achieveable,
then where's the accomplishment in it?
where's the wonder and "greatness" behind it?

im sick that saha is so caring.
not coz he cares but coz i cant tell him what i want to tell him.

so even when i do what's he gonna do?
wave his magic wand and make everything alright for me?

he worries me and even i cant do that for him.

i really feel very useless and all that.
i hope everything can be ok.
soon.
i really hate this.

its all i can do to keep sane and not try to kill myself.
i believe that this is just a trying time.
but what the FUCK? you know.
nothing is going right
just coz of a spilled drink.
i feel like i dont have a family.

i don't know if i love them or hate them
i don't understand why i cry so easily
i dont understand why im so WEAK.
i dont understand why i cant feel chipper about stuff
be more positive

and here i am where all people think is a big problem is that the person they like is not liking them back.

i dont know why im crying.
because i dont feel part of the family or because i wanted to not be part of the family and i got it and i hate it.
i dont know and i dont understand.

WHY ME?

am i just so fucking RUDE?
so many things.
i just want to FORGET.

and even then, its just running away
and my notion of forgetting is so wrong.

SCREW THIS.

and saha,
i will never break.

panadol

2006-01-01T21:14:00.000+08:00

remember kids, spilling water spills guts.
NEVER spill water.
this has happened TWICE.
i will move out by the time i'm 21.
DON'T STOP ME.
NOTHING CAN.
I WON'T SPEND IT WITH YOU.
NO.

i'm relying on panadols or paracetamols to keep me happy and sane.
yay!

self confidence

2005-12-30T15:19:00.000+08:00

there's something about self confidence that gets to me.
i'm fine with how i look
at times im happy with it.
genuinely happy with it.

and then comes along SOMEBODY who will say hurtful things like
if there's anybody with big breasts, its her -points or looks at me- ok?
or she's the heaviest.
or my haven't you gained weight.
or whatever else.
it drives me up the wall ok.

it does nothing for my self esteem
NOTHING ok.
sheesh.
there's nothing i can say to these people.
they don't know or REALISE that i'm kinda happy with how i look.
so in the end i just get into a really foul mood.
hah.
serves YOU right you flat chested bitch.
you runway.
you pancake.
you whatever-else-is-flat.

stupid singaporeans.
i don't understand it ok.
its like such a rare commodity to find a girl who has half decent breasts and who isn't anorexic looking and when a girl like that comes along all what these people know how to do is diss them.
don't you GET it?
we are happy about how we look.
we are the PLUS sized singaporeans.
the curvacious sore thumb
the voluptious ones
the ones who didn't go under the knife for all these honeys.
FUCK YOU.

agshg

2005-12-26T20:55:00.000+08:00

Hey, Baby! you smell kind of pretty. Want to smell me?

I know a topic that we will both love...me.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

Do you have a boyfriend? [No] Want one? [Yes] Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.

Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

So, you're a girl huh?

Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.

Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.

Hey baby... drop that zero and get with the hero in other words... you better come with me.

Hey baby you're so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what's your name?

Is your name Pepsi cause' I've gotta have it.

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.....

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

They call me "coffee". I grind so fine.

Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

My love for you is like diaharrea, I just can't hold it in

Did you just sit in a water puddle, or are you just happy to see me?

Can you say constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just wanted to ask.

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no

I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate.

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Wow! Are you really as beautiful as you seem or do you remind me of myself?

Your name is [person's name] , huh? Can I call you [person's nick]? Really, what time?

Do you want a worm-do? (woman "whats a worm do?") it does this..(move your finger like a worm)~~~~

I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?

I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?

I want you to have my children (pause) GREAT! They are in the car outside..

Hi, do you speak English? (yes.) Oh, me too.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"

Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

There are 265 bones in the human body. How'd ya like one more?

Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them?

Are you a virgin? (No.) Prove it!

You look like my type: nice hair, beautiful eyes, amazing body, but there is still just one problem: your clothing. (What's wrong with my clothing?) They're still on.

hey, whats brown and sticky? A Stick!

dunt know

2005-12-17T01:14:00.000+08:00

i dont know wether to hate her to pity her to support her or to love her.
i dont understand.
i think maybe she likes me.
and she's becoming/pretending to be butchy.

1st of all i just wanna scream and shout at her.
who the fuck asked her to be so stupid to be so involved in stuff till she cant cope with it?
its her own fault.
2nd she keeps trying to up me one like in some kind of insignificant stupid naive little fool too caught up in my own little fairytale.
i just dont get her.
and then she gets all depressed and sick and heartbroken and whatever.
i dont believe in letting people read all your stuff over the net.
its like asking some fuckers for pity
pretending that people dont read it and whatever.
and then she makes herself sound so high up there.

like im not the jumpy bouncy girl no more.
no appetite. i think i buy that.
saying stuff like now *i* want to cry
to be listened to.
thing is, everyone has a listening ear.
you just have to tell them.
not expect them to come to you
coz whatever's going on in that little numbskull of yours, no one knows.
dont be stupid.
dont pretend to be all depressed.
i admit, sometimes im like that.
but only when they are things that i do NOT wanna talk about.
makes sense right?
i dont know.
i dont know why i hate her so much.
but everytime i see her...

and then she makes herself sound like such a damsel in distress.
like WHATEVER!
and she can argue with me that she is more boyish.
i dont know. i thought im more ok?
just look at the mess that's me.
and she's all blah3.
i know, the arguement was damn stupid
i let go of it eventually cos i got sick of it
but if she wasnt the kind of person who feels that she MUST one up me then i wont let it fly.

went to the NUS thingy.
fucked up couple was all like a no show.
fucking pigs.
thought you were so ah lian
so the very the minah mat hanyut.
kedi puki jugak eh korang?
when asked why: he merajok abit ar.

WTF. have you ever ~~mat~~ met a guy like that?
and all of a sudden aku nyer pasal?
what the fucking fuck la kiddies.
sheesh...
HELLO!!!!
aku BANYAK sgt berbuih mulot kat korang kappa?
whatever.
cheebye lar.

none

2005-12-16T15:50:00.000+08:00

i dont think i can expect to get anything from these MI pple.

funny how everywhere i go i manage to piss off everybody.
and only get kinder and more understood or feared off in the last few months where nothing matters anymore.
i dun really care about prezzies.
just that it a really nice thought.
even tho it sucks and all that
coming from pple u dont know its nice wadever u get

but from people u DO know.
like sec sch frends
i cannot believe that they actually got me a cup
twice already in my sec sch life.
fine to get a cup during pri sch.
but during sec sch..
hahah!
and when they know u for like years.
actually the person who i got to know for yonks only sms-es me wishes.
bleargh.
i guess people really do hate me huh?
oh well.

i guess nice thoughts are not for me eh?

leh

2005-12-15T20:57:00.000+08:00

bleargh.
all i can think of now is to try to get wasted.
but i im too much of a goody two fucking shoes.

i think one of nisa's frend died lar
so i tried asking her yesterday
i ask her if she was ok
she tk reply
so did it again
just now

like wtf lar.
she was like no
n i dun wanna talk abt it lar
i was like wtfish lar...
like fucked up lar...
i said i wasnt gonna la.
she said dun take it personally.

she totally caught me off guard.
pple ask only rite?
like wad the fuck lar.
so i said wadever
den she said fine.
fucking bitch
i wish she can just watch her mouth.
she takes some things too granted.
like cash
and she just anyhow call pple cacat.
like nurul.
like wtf lar.

BITCH!

fun

2005-12-14T23:00:00.001+08:00

Rules: Bold the following that are true about you, italicize things you wish were true, add one true thing about you, and then tag five more people.

I miss somebody right now.

I don't watch much TV these days.

I love olives.

I own lots of books.

I wear glasses or contact lenses.

I love to play video games.

I've tried marijuana.

I've watched porn movies.

I have been in a threesome.

I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.

I believe honesty is usually the best policy.

I curse sometimes.

I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.

I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

I'm TOTALLY smart.

I've broken someone's bones.

I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.

I hate the rain.

I'm paranoid at times.

I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

I need money right now.

I love sushi.

I talk really, really fast.

I have fresh breath in the morning.

I have long hair.

I have lost money in Las Vegas.

I have at least one sibling.

I was born in a country outside of the U.S.

I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.

I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.

I like the way that I look.

I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.

I know how to cornrow.

I am usually pessimistic.

I have a lot of mood swings.

I think prostitution should be legalized.

I think Britney Spears is pretty.

Slept with a Suitemate.

I have a hidden talent.

i am always hyper no matter how much sugar i have

I have a lot of friends.

I am currently single.

I have pecked someone of the same sex.

I enjoy talking on the phone.

I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.

I love to shop.

Enjoy window shopping.

I would rather shop than eat.

I would classify myself as ghetto.

I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.

I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.

I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.

I'm a pretty good dancer.

I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.

I have a cell phone.

I believe in God.

I watch MTV on a daily basis.

I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.

I've rejected someone before.

I currently like someone.

I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I want to have children in the future.

I have changed a diaper before.

I've called the cops on a friend before.

I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.

I'm not allergic to anything.

I have a lot to learn.

I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.

I am shy around the opposite sex.

I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.

I have at least 5 away messages saved.

I have tried alcohol or drugs before.

I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.

I own the "South Park" movie.

I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.

When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.

I enjoy some country music.

I would die for my best friends.

I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.

I watch soap operas whenever I can.

I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.

I have used my sexuality to advance my career.

I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.

I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".

Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.

I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.

I have dated a close friend's ex.

I like surveys/memes.

I am happy at this moment.

I'm obsessed with guys.

Democrat.

Conservative Republican.

I am punk rockish.

I am preppy.

I go for older guys/girls, not younger

I study for tests most of the time.

I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.

I can work on a car.

I love my job.

I am comfortable with who I am right now.

I have more than just my ears pierced.

I walk barefoot wherever I can.

I have jumped off a bridge.

I love sea turtles.

I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.

I believe in prophetic dreams.

Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.

I'm proficient in a musical instrument.

I worked at McDonald's restaurant.

I hate office jobs.

I love sci-fi movies.

I think water rules.

I went to college out of state.

I am adopted.

I like sausage.

I am a pyro.

I love the Red Sox.

I have thrown up from crying too much.

I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.

I love kisses.

I fall for the worst people.

I adore bright colors.

I love Dear Abby.

I can't live without black eyeliner.

I think school is awesome.

I think pigtails serve a purpose.

I usually like covers better than originals.

I don't like multi-textured ice cream.

I think John Cusack is adorable.

I f**king hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays

I watch Food Network way too much.

I love coaching youth sports.

I can pick up things with my toes.

I can't whistle.

I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.

I have ridden/owned a horse.

I still have every journal I've ever written in.

I can't stick to a diet.

I talk in my sleep.

I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.

I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.

Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.

I have jazz in my blood.

I would not be friends if they weren't family.

I wear a toe ring.

I have a tattoo.

I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.

I am a caffeine junkie.

I know who Santos L. Halper is.

I read trashy romance novels and I am ashamed.

I love wrestling.

I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.

If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.

I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.

I have been to over 15 conventions.

I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.

I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.

I'm an artist.

I have a goal to collect every Johnny Depp movie ever made.

I have an unhealthy Taco Bell obsession.

I have had a crush on a cartoon character when I was a kid.

I have spent more on anime and manga than many spend on computers or other high end products.

I only clean my room when necessary.

I usually appear offline on msn unless someone I wanna talk to is online too.

ME: I think lesbians are sexy and special.

balcony

2005-12-10T20:45:00.000+08:00

Ooooo...
Did u realise that outside the Heeren there are some swinging chairs?
That's the Balcony Bar.
Ooooo...
I so wanna go there!
When!!!??!!!

Chilling out there, boozing a lil...
Awh man!
Sucha kewl place ta go!

balconybar.com

traaalalala

2005-12-10T20:33:00.000+08:00

quietly
the starlight glows
moments shared
not long a ago
a night so dear
mmmm

sparkling, dazzling
stars in us alone.

ooooo fraalalalala!

u know,
whenever i see the advertisement for the celestial (goldheart) diamond (stars ok! nice)
i am reminded of him
yesh.
we must get over him
im trying very hard.
*grins*

haishh...
i wanna make blogskin tt looks as good as pat's
veh nice lehhh...
i still dunno how to feather in photoshop.
wish wish wish com was in my room.
den can do some narcissistic skins.
teehee!

heaven

2005-12-05T21:11:00.000+08:00

heaven is a place in hell.
yupp.

stalk stalk stalk.
wad stalker?
NO. stalk of rooooose...
teehee...

now i understand things.
so why does she have so many?
i dunno...
her willingness to spend
to layan
to love?

i feel guilty.
all he's ever been is hurt...
and im not different.
maybe i should accept Han?
bleargh.
not my type i guess...
yet again.....................

oh fraaalaaaalaaaa....

tell him

2005-12-04T02:30:00.000+08:00

its nice to get him back on my MSN
gosh this is so lame lar...
MSN MSN MSN not even face to face

ok ok...so anyways,
nice to talk when i do get enuff courage n all that
but everytime i see him online i just get those strange tots all over again
and i dont really like it
coz i feel like if im nothing to him then id rather just see him when i see him that kinda thing
its either im something to him or just nothing
id rather be nothing to him
and i want permission to block him again
haha...
so lame la aku nie

i just cannot stay still
its like starting this shit all over again
right back to square one
and i dont wanna be there again
it sucks
he was my last
and i dont have anyone else after him
its so messed up
and we werent even...
sigh

i dont wanna be hung up on him
everytime i see a sappy movie its him
he keep popping into mind
its irritating and soooo sad at the same time
sad to think of all the things
like what chance have i got?
i feel so like i wanna puke at myself
so disgusted with myself

proud

2005-12-03T01:24:00.000+08:00

im not proud of most of the things i've done in life
but if i were to confess some of them
they would include boys.
yes, boys.

i know im not that pretty
and i know im not that ugly either.
so when i guy makes eye contact i assume it means something
but as we all know, assuming makes an ass outta u n me.

one day after touch training i found out that they had a new guy in it.
farkhan
damn he's cute.
so after showering and all that we headed to al ameen
he was blasting his mp3
the other side was dangling
so i took it n listened
keeping close to him looking over his shoulder trying to look at the songs
when he changed it once
i was all like why u change...
like manje2 like that.
now that i think about it im disgusted by myself.
so yeah.
and after all that he ended up with *erx
yeah.
so plain fucking dumb
what made me think all those shitnitz?
gaah~

now that i look at him again.
i find him boring.
ok not really
nice to look at
but still...
bleargh

another BIG mistake would be how i will think some guy likes me
and then all of a sudden he has a gf
whatever.
i think i'll just stick to the rough me.
who cares?
aku mcm tak laku jer...
bleah

busted a whole load of cash today.
wants more cash
wants fauzie laily syed azmir electrico and ronin
wants a hair cut
wants to feel wind in face
wants to run
wants to feel lactic acid in muscles
flab flab flab flab flaaaabbb---

NO`

2005-12-01T21:14:00.000+08:00

no, i DONT like to be told to relax.
esp on MSN
coz on MSN i AM relaxed.
i just use words like AAARRRGGGHHH!!! FUCK!!! and whatever else to only express anger...
im more TYPE then action.
so i told my frend pantat still havent replied my msg...
i totally flipped...
yeah i shouldnt have flipped.
but what the heck..
she KNOWS how much i hate being told so...
but still...
i think she's one of the oldest friend i have the one who least listens or understands me.
i was all like i just said pantat and u think im angry...
wadeverrrrr...
and she was all *makes sickening face*
hahahah...its not that releks releks...
*rolls eyes*

WHATEVER!

taufiq

2005-11-29T21:08:00.000+08:00

today im really happy
i talked to him again on msn
hopefully i dont screw it up again
hehe...

so he told me his friends said i was kinda pretty
and coming from him
i means a lot...

he asked me why i blocked him...
i said i was "letting wounds heal"
*sigh*
more or less that's the truth...

Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts---Charles DickeNs says:
eyy
Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts---Charles DickeNs says:
btw kn....my frens think dat ur quite pretty uh

getting

2005-11-29T00:18:00.000+08:00

i dont like people saying that their status is "complicated". so bogus. esp on friendster. it used to be something kinda cool i guess, then it started getting sickening. if you're single say you're single. if you're not den say it. don't say that it's complicated la wadever la waaaad shit. if you are genuinely happy with the one you're with don't try to act all complicated. i think at the age of 17 there should not be much on your mind except studies and your future. yeah, im not exactly the most perfect example, but yeah. i think at 17 you don't know the meaning of complicated. so dont try to act so complicated. i can see thru your dimwit lies. your attempt to be "deep". bull.

i think she's back with him? i dunno, i don't care? i just kinda like the idea of someone liking me and being unable to get me. just to be a pain. yeah. i dunno la. maybe i like him too? sheesh. he's totally not my type. gggaaahhhhh! fuck this. whatever. i think they "deserve" each other lar.

my mom likes to blow things waaaay out of proportion. just this morning she got pissed of by sean just because he wasnt eating his meal properly. like hello, the thing COULD be hot or something. sometimes there is a reason for him to not want it right. i let kiki out of his cage lar. i tot he wont come out but he did. and she made sucha big hooha... its just an animal... it doesnt know anything... the worst creatures on the face of this Earth is Man himself. Man at times take animals for granted just because they dont voice out their fears or pain. And this makes him feel much greater than other living beings. But Man tend to forget that animals no matter how small are much more capable and stronger than an average Man. Taking an ant for example, it can carry many times its own weight. Can YOU do that? What about a snake? Some venom can kill an elephant in a short time. Can you boast of doing that? You cant right?
So yeah, remember. God made all things equal. God is great and all knowing. Allahuakbar.

Yesterday was a very fun day. So was today I guess.
Went to Kak Jajah's house to eat Sambal Udang... Yum!
Jalan2 at Punggol
Talked crap in my Dad's car where I got teased AGAIN about my weight. Like seriously, I'm not in the best shape BUT, I'm not fat either. Like what is wrong with these people and their screwed Twiggy perception of THIN? GOD, I really HATE Twiggy. Why the fuck couldnt she be meaty like Liv Tyler? Or Drew Barrymore? I thought of not talking to my cousins but they ARE my cousins lar. And that little bitch constantly yakking her head off about how much she eats and how she can never get any fatter to anybody who listens. Get this, she stepped on the weighing scale to see how "fat/thin" she is and it read what? 53kg? And she was all like "Bedek seh"...

*ROAR*
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!
you think gravity gives you a break coz of your oh so pretty face?
not on my ass!
ARGH!
god! that infuriated me!

so another one was going all beyonce's curvy...she's apple shaped...and i corrected her saying she's pear. and she said oh yeah, you're apple...thank god not all is lost coz the oh im so thing girl said what does apple got to do with you? so i was like ok...den i said im banana...and that pear/apple woman LAUGHED HER HEAD OFF...saying miss oh im so thin and perfect is a banana...so miss now labelled banana said im cinnamon stick lar...*points at me* she's banana... hello miss pear/apple with 2 kids and still not minding your words, a banana is not exactly THIN material. i choose it coz its meaty. like DUH! so fucking dumb... and to think you were pretty "smart" at your time. sheesh! pakai tudung pon tak tahu nak bersopan sikit. tak tahu nak alas sikit mulut kotor tu. so what if you're older... doesnt mean ko tak berdosa tak menyinggun perasaan aku. aku pon ader hati. so im thinking that come the month of Dec i would become an anorexic. see how they like THAT. show them that I CAN be thin and if they ask why im so filthy thin I would say they drove me to it. HELLO 17 years old a rampage of hormones and mixed emotions ok. do i need to WEAR a warning that says pls mind your language? will erupt at any moment? 17 years old... even saying that you look so cute nowadays can make one think on is fat.

oh yeah, she called me one of those kelat2 pisang... used for making pisang goreng.
this means if i don't get married its coz im too hard to swallow.
pple already think aku tak laku. combined with my thoughts...

wallow me in my self depression.
i think being miserable is desirable.
and having no emotions is what i should aim for.

Today I got to see Cats.

fuck off.

love

2005-11-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

I will cater to you

I feel so looooonely...

And I miss qifuaT.
Like a whole lot.

If we could turn back time,
I would make everything so right.

tralala

2005-11-26T19:46:00.000+08:00

Starting this all over again...
Yeah, so this is gonna be where I TOTALLY spill all my guts...

So far only Danial Whiz knows of this blog address
And most of the people on his blog links don't know me
So I think this is fairly safe la.

I don't think Dan is sucha MEAN guy.
So yeah.

This is all due to someone getting so terasa on my blog.
I said ONE freaking comment and then all of a sudden he thinks its all about him?
Like HELLO all of a sudden you think ALL I think about is YOU?
Like what the fuckin FARK?!
I won't be satisfied till "people" know of this ok?
So I told you to mind your words.
And so I got it wrong
What makes you all of a sudden think that ALL the content in my blog is all about YOU?
What makes you so self important that you tihnk my life revolves around you?
Sheesh!
What a self indulging pesky little FREAK.
SELF CENTERED PIG!!!
NO WONDER THEY ALL YOU PEOPLE PARIAHS!

Yeah, I'm refering to Indians.
So?
Whatcha gonna do about it?
I found out my great grandad's an Indonesian Chinese...
And my great grandma's Peranakan...
That makes me like partial Chinese.
MUNGANT!
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

This shithead really infuriates me ok?
And I think he thinks I think about him is because he told me albeit jokingly that he likes me...
And he practically told the most loudest people in the class...
So I'm totally not stupid ok.
SO?
Just coz you like me it makes you think that I like you too and that makes me your crazed fan who thinks about you 24/7?
I FUCKING DON'T!
AND BECAUSE YOU STARTED UP TIHS ISSUE I DO THINK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR SELF CENTERED SHITHEAD!
GAAAH!

And everytime I see your face,
your name...
GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!

There are all these emotions that were never even there to start with.
GGGGAAAAAHHHHH!!!

I can't wait for school to start...
Then I can get sick of that face all over again...
YURGH!

FEMINIST

2005-11-11T20:45:00.000+08:00

*ROAR*

I am so freaking bored! Its enough to make me cry I tell you!
ARGH!
And the SLE Camp was BORING! LAME!
I would have been more amused watching plastic grow mouldy!

So out of sheer BOREDOM *!* I've becomed a FEMINIST!
*Showcases Martial Arts Skills* HAH! BAM! Wa-CHA!

MEN!
Who needs them?
WHO!?
*ROAR*

WHY?!
You DARE ask me WHY?!?!

THIS is why...

Let's take Christmas Trees into consideration.

1) Christmas Trees, though SMALL can bring one GREAT satisfaction. *HAH!*

2) Christmas Trees will stay UP for twelve ( read it! ) TWELVE days and nights. *BAM!*

3) Christmas Trees have nice BALLS. *POW!*

And Last but certainly not Least,

4) Christmas Trees will be turned ON only when YOU want them to be turned on! *HEE-YAH!*

Raya

2005-11-06T16:02:00.000+08:00

hello all... today is the 4th day of raya? im not gg out today. i went home at like 2am yesterday. hehs. so today i woke up at like 12pm or somethng. haiyah tmr still got to go for tt science center thingy and got the PW shit. dang.

the first day of raya was not too bad la. but recently i got realise tt pple now like got no mood to raya. summore tt time it was on a thursday den the nxt day some pple working la wadever la. so irritating. den we went to my bibik's house at like 4pm? left later that evening after slacking there for ages. went to my mak ngah's house tak salah. sit awhile den go to my mak lang's house. den go home. tak salah aku la. but it was kinda fun la. bibik's house got one cat mcm anak orang gitu. so manja. sleep on my lap den use my arm as a pillow. so cute la. its those kucing parsi with the face yg penyek gitu. so cute la.

den at mak ngah's met my classmate yg stalk aku tu...ahah! dang! should have eaten there la. coz... haish... hope i didnt upset my mak ngah... coz i was just too shy to eat siak... my mom la... go and open her big mouth for wad? heck la. hurting my mak ngah is the last thing i wanna do.
ok den met my long lost kak jajah! *grins* still looking pretty

den talked cock wid that kak jamal and kak zila. den off to mak lang's house. den we saw...
SARANG TEBUAN! ahahahahahahah! ok... none of u know wad the hell tt means. ahahahs...
*oinchi!* *salada!* more crap crap crap. more munch munch munch. got deng deng siak. oh man!

den my dad worried abt his two coloured babies. so 11pm jer we all go home. pantat.

next day lagik pekak. we got to the bird shop in baju kurung den go and trim that baby's feathers den go and buy stand. oh yeah... end of december baby yellow crested cuckatoos are comming in! oh yeah! i want one! DADDY!!! I WANT!! wadever res.

den after that go mak long's house but mak long not at home. only got abg lee n kak lina. den they talk2 abit den we go home. mak long's house is the ground floor type den got rats la. den mak long kater the pple upstairs keep feeding them la. (for wadever reason oso i cannot tell. why feed disgusting mondoks?) anyways, mak long kater feed la until they fat...nanti dah besar dier jadik rabbit. -.-" -.-" ahahahahah! mapek siak.

so anyways, went home dispose tu anak2 and the new stand and the wadever shit... den we go to cik munah's house. tgk that keramat niksan 3 show. funny ar. tapi aku sleepy so tak concentrate. den off to my stalker's house. slack3... den i think go home? ahahah! so pathetic.
otw home i saw that ayis. name majer this HANSOME cuz of mine... haiyoh... cepatnyer dah besar. dulu boleh la kiter panggil dier tengku faris la... bantal la... now... defined jaw, getting taller, signature one sided grin and a face that looks like his bro... still pimple-less face. DEY! budak 14/15 tahun pimple mcm takder siak. haishh... cute siak... ade ke aku renung muke dier habis-habisan and asking myself "nie sape yg cik din tarik along?" rupe2nye faris... haish... kacak kacak~

third day of raya went to nad's house wid two stupid dogs. kinda fun ar... coz we were too early...
ahahah! den met that fara dana and alina. *grins* makin cantekk~ mak aku tanyer... biler aku nk jadik pompuan? nxt year la mak... next year... den we go to mak ngah's house... my dad's side uh... got rizal and all that... rizal taking his As on tuesday... tho i dun talk to my cuz on my dad's side too much... i wish him GOOD LUCK. i know how much the A levels suck and im not even halfway there yet... he's in AJC btw... go rizal... can make it la... i was watching this show... goal. so nice la the show... den nenek ask me why watch cite enggris... den she scold2 me. wth! mcm aku yg bukak tu crite... dey! bukan umah aku dah! anyways, just as santiago got into the 1st team... dey go on switch off and take photo... DAMMIT! den off to cik's house... sit2 abit... ate two BIG slices of canadian pizza and then we were off to see the handsome ayis... hehhe! slack awhile jerr... den we go to whose house seh? i think it was kak sal? yeah... bibik karaoke... mak kau... kecohh~ den the small2 children all play sparklers... cute2... every year mcm gitu... but this year extra kecoh... best2... this is turning out to be very long but i dun care! ahahah! ok ok... den we went to kak busu's house... got sweets... got blue water... den got permaisuri mak ngah!! hehehe!! den we went off ferst coz they gg my house... abg hasim miss kiki... den kiki bite him until he bleed... den kiki kejar me coz i merajok dgn dier... muaahaa! wadever... den the handsome boboy and the KEEYOOTE baby i dunno wad his name oso there... SO CUTE LA... anak abg azman... pipi tembam like nobody's business... senyum so cute... can make u cair... den friendly summore... CAIR AKU!!! blah3 den off to kak simah's house where i bitched with kak leah abt the nadia nature... hehe! best... off to yishun! by then mr sandman dah pour a bucket of sand in my eye seh... so groggy... but that siao kak shasha... take photo of pple sleeping... muke2 steam... ahahahh!! den she and fahmi tried to take photos of each other punyer muke steam... giler seh tu shasha... fahmi kept losing coz tt aisyah kept making the kawaii face... she's fast... ahahas... giler... she say... ko amek arr... lagik aku suker... ahahahahh!!! GILERR i tell u that one... but helluva load of fun... den after that... we go home lar... cik din pon dah gone. hehehe!

today... i woke up at like 12pm or smthng... den slack2 eat2... abg ju dtg... den we nvr go anywhere... actually saras got open house... dang! haishh... nvm arr... ok la.. now got guests... i very shy la... ahahah!

seventeen

2005-11-03T01:01:00.000+08:00

I <3 being 17.

I loath the fact that my birthday is so early in the year.

im gonna marry him.

2005-11-01T23:19:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna marry him.
He just doesn't know it yet.

Don't be so shocked darling.

See, so happy right he?
Yes hunny... I adore you too.

See, he uber excited.

Eyes, eyes baby. Get lost in my baby's eyes.

Johnathan, I <3 you.

without god

2005-10-31T20:28:00.000+08:00

what kind of a world would it be without God?
without rules?
what kind of a person would *you be?

i would prolly be a scum of the universe
drugs and alcohol would be the breakfast dinner and lunch
i would drink till my liver bursts
i would smoke my lungs black
i would get high just to forget you.
coz i hate you.
and everyone else in the world.

i will shag every other guy that i meet.
yupp.
uh huh uh huh.
lies would be the truth.
i would cheat you out of your money
then i would break into your house and ransack it.
just for kicks.
and then i would sleep with your husband and make him leave you.
then i would dump him.
just to see the both of you suffer.

money is easy to get.
i would steal my parents money and spend it on things like food and expensive clothings.
i would make my husband to leave most of his money to me.
den dump him.
and leave him with the brats i call children.

if you piss me off i would kill you.
really.
even my relatives.
make that especially my relatives.
coz i hate them.
if only for the blood that runs thru my veins.
and if you are stupid or ugly or have an irritating face, i would let you know how much i hate you.
i'd prolly kill you too.
don't worry too much.

killing needs to be creative too.
i would try and make you feel the pain.
make you suffer.
coz you made me hate you.
and you know i dont wanna hate you.

and if you catch me in a moment of weakness and you happen to be the person i hate coz you have an irritating/ugly face, don't expect you to be an exception ok.
i would stab you in the back.
and twist the knife ten times.
if you had helped me and i hate you and you were hanging off a cliff, i would jump on your fingers.

i will only eat delicious things. and live the high life.
coz i deserve it.
i would cheat on you.
you can never trust my words.
i would burn down houses just for kicks.
i would not have any respect for the elders.
fast cars fast life fast everything.
and the cars and everything else in life?
either stolen or bought by someone who i cheated.

and!

i would also kill all MALE dancers.

fucking faggots.

this is crap.
i have too much conscience.

i cant wait for raya.
and i want some vanilla coke.

listen to mommy

2005-10-29T23:26:00.000+08:00

I'm sick of Life.

selling life to the Devil

2005-10-24T18:03:00.000+08:00

"Have Faith."

It's just where do we draw the line? Everyone has faith. But when it comes to stuff like examinations and getting that job promotion that you want so badly, having faith is just not enough. If effort was not put in then no matter how hard you prayed, you're probably just pestering God coz unless Hell freezes over you're never gonna get it. Even if you prayed every single waking second. Yeah.

It comes hand in hand. Working hard and having faith. Those who don't have faith probably didn't put their best foot forward and instead, danced around. Partying over graves, only peeking at the deadlines, making plans that will only get drenched by the wine and booze that they hold in their hands.

The sinking feeling that you get as you hold the piece of paper in your hand. The sixth sense that you had coming true. The regret that makes you want to hurl, thrash about and lie in your own bile. The pain that makes you tear at your own flesh with your nails. The "solutions" that flash in front of your eyes. The fear of breaking hearts, pitying looks and shattered dreams that makes you want to sell your soul to the Devil if you could.
But the faith and believe that is planted in the dark recesses of your bleeding heart tell you that life MUST go on.

Your soul is not in your hands. Nor does it belong to you. It is His.
He knows what's best for you. He has plans for you. Believe.
Even if you don't.

song

2005-10-16T22:34:00.000+08:00

'Coz you're the only song I know.

I can't wait to get back to school. I feel so lost now. I need something to occupy my time. I borrowed some books at the library but I don't feel like reading them. I feel like partying. Traaalaaalaaaa.

School tomorrow's just gonna be filled with Post-Promo Activities. ~~Still unsure if I can be promoted. People are telling me I can pull through. But that just doesn't cut it. I'm scared.~~

Best not to think about it.

Fuck me upside down and sideways and whichever way you wanna fuck me. Bend me break me anyway you need me. As long as I want you baby it's alright.

twist a knife and bleed my aching heart; tear it apart
i'd feel pain for you.
for you.
you.
you.
you.
you.
you.
you.
you.
you.

boredome kills

2005-10-15T02:21:00.000+08:00

Don't we all wish we were as brave?

missy zara

2005-10-12T12:14:00.000+08:00

oh shit oh fuck oh fucketty fuck.

he found that one.
we gotta move on and all that rubbish.
but i really feel like crawling into a hole and bawling my freaking eyes out.
and my eyes are really starting to hurt from all those freaking notes.

and everything burns.
and everyone bleeds.

of course people will move on.
and well, i thought i have and all that.
but hmm.
how how how?
stupidity la.

now gotta think abt my chemistry.
fuck la.
dont think i will get promoted la.

this intricate world of unhappiness.

CHOCOLATE

2005-10-09T14:44:00.000+08:00

I want chocolate.

I have a sudden urge to eat the sticky sweet sin.

Few more hours to kill.
Study study studyy...

I want.

I also want Kinder Surprise Eggs and Cadbury's Black Forest.

I have only managed to slim down by one measly kilogram.

Yay.

Chocolate + Pre-promo jitters = Erotic Pleasures

pleasure

2005-10-08T19:57:00.000+08:00

Hello Angels from my Nightmare.

Been a while since the last update. Anyways, my Physics paper and Chemistry SPA was on Thursday and Friday respectively. And regrettably, I have to say that I didnt do much mugging on both of these days. That adds up to 48 hours gone that could have of course, been used for studying. No point looking back now.

The Chemistry SPA was okay and for the first time I was actually able to do my calculations all right. Yay! But I screwed up my Physics. *Sigh* Last minute cramming and all that shit.

Hmm...What else? Monday's Mother Tongue and Maths. And for once, I'm hoping to get at least a C for Maths to make my grades better. Yeah, the Gods must be Crazy. Haha! And Chemistry's on Thursday. Hoping to pass that too.

Hopefully, if all goes well and I'm religious in my mugging, I might be able to land 2 A Level and AO Level passes.

IF ALL GOES FUCKING WELL.

Sorry, night already. Break fast already. So can cuss mah.

passing of the promos

2005-10-02T12:08:00.000+08:00

All my Sayangs from Class O5S8,

We must ALL pass the Promotional Examination. We don't want anyone, I repeat, ANYONE to be left behind. We must drag each other to the finish line. I don't care how you people do it. I personally recommend the Caveman Drag. Who cares about scratched faces and brusied knees and pounding headaches? We must all finish our A Levels in three, tiga, san, I do not know how to say three in Yeendian, years. We are already wasting one precious year so let us make the MOST of it. And for those who have signed up for the Student Leadership Experience, all the more reason to pass ok?

love love love love like

2005-09-30T22:31:00.000+08:00

Update update update.

In another few hours it will be Shikin's birthday.

GP sucks. But I love it.

Bliss. Saw him. So handsome.
Scent check: Yummy.

bugis

2005-09-28T20:12:00.000+08:00

I wanted to merayap today. So while I was slacking around in class I asked Shikin if she wanted to go jalan2 somewhere. And it so happens that she was gonna go to Bugis. Awh yeah! I jumped. Then I got bad news but I jumped again. Met up with Shikin's friend and off we went!

Headed to Bugis Village. I now know where to get the Jack Daniels tee. $16 only ok. Green on black. Super awesome combi!! Walked around some more and I found MORE stuff that I wanted to buy. Like this super red bag with many skulls on it. Nice ar! There were funky tees that had kerrrrazeee designs, red and black specs, earrings, accessories... To die for!! This I want, that I want. Went MAD I tell you, knowing that I'm strapped for cash. Arrghh! Better get a LOT of cash for Hari Raya I tell you.

*cough cough* hear that kak simah? *cough cough*

Kalau dipanjangkan umur.

Saw a really cute ITE Bedok guy. Hehs! I loike.

randomness`

2005-09-26T15:47:00.000+08:00

Happy endings are unfinished stories.

Sometimes all I think about is killing myself even when its insignificant things that get to me.
But I'm afraid of the pain.

I think some of the Americans deserved it.

His scent makes me lose all trails of thought.

I want things I cannot get.

I want to buy a condom just to see the reaction of the cashier.

I'm afraid I might retain.

I don't want to disappoint anybody but I'm lazy.

I don't think I should be praised coz I'm stupidity at its best.

I just wanna hide and come out only when the stars start falling down on all of us.

I hate Mariem's face.
I can't stand to look at her.

2005-09-24T19:02:00.000+08:00

***Your Birthdate: February 19***

Your birth on the 19th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life path.
But at the same time, it poses a number of obstacles to overcome before you are able to be as independent as you would like. The number 1 energy suggests more executive ability and leadership qualities than your path may have indicated.

A birthday on the 19th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. However, a somewhat self-centered approach to life that may be in conflict with some of the other influences in your life.
This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush.

You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed.
You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.
You do not tend to follow convention or take advice very well.

Consequently, you tend to learn through experience; sometimes hard experiences.
The 19/1 is a loner number and you may experience feelings of being alone even if you are married.
You may take on a tendency to be nervous and angry.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

sorry

2005-09-21T20:09:00.000+08:00

I have not been updating despite being online for about 4 times a week. Which is still alot ok? Coz I spend about what? 5 hours online. Yeah, somewhere near that. Its been an interesting week so far and yeah... It's pretty enjoyable. Despite the dark clouds looming ahead.

My Monday was not too bad I guess. Mr Liau was not in school and we had a free "Reading Period" so me and Aisyah and Calvin recalled how to make paper men. The ones that are like holding hands. Yeah. There were so many theories I tell you and it was an absolute laugh. We had Siamese Twins and Singular Men. Haha. Eventually we messed up our tables and wasted a whole lot of paper. Maths was fun I must say coz I did most of my homework and I could slack a bit. Physis was of course a bore. Chem was pretty fun. Home tutor was a wake up call. I really don't wanna work so hard. Haha. And getting Bs and Cs can get you to NUS? Hhmm... Nevertheless, Bs and Cs are not an option.

Tuesday was an even better day. Depends la eh how you see it. Can't really remember what happened in the morning but it wasn't that boring. Malay was pretty fun but I didn't do my homework so yeah, not that great also. Then we got to watch the really gory parts of Passion of the Christ for GP. We were dicussing about crime and punishment. I was like covering my face sia. Its really gory la. And I just kept thinking how can one man againts the whole world and all keep his pride and faith up when people are unjust towards him? Another thought was, how can he not die? I don't mean to be insensitive, but how can he not die? He's still human. A very interesting movie I must say. It isn't one of the movies that interested me but it is very cool.

Today was not too good. I came late to school and I went up to the fourth floor as we were supposed to go back to our original class. Then I realised that I was so wrong! Haha. God! So I went down and disposed of my bag and all. Heesh! Had Physics SPA which was sucky la. Coz I think I did it all wrong. *Sigh* That was for promos man! Haish! Anyhoos, had PE had a bit of irritation by some guy. *Grr* Had cooling Jelly Cocktail at the canteen. Yum! And acapella group came to school for a performance and what not. Pretty cool. Had extra physics lessons. That's all I guess?

Gotta cram for a test now. Chemical energetics! ARGH! Hates it.

too unbothered to bother

2005-09-12T14:55:00.000+08:00

Few minutes ago I reached home from school to find my mother getting dressed to go to West Mall. She asked wether I wanted to tag along, to which I replied No.

Fine, that was that. I then asked her to buy me some snack as I am a lazy arse. She told me that if I wanted anything, I should follow. Ok, fine. That's ok because I'm not that desperate. Then I remembered that I wanted to fix the zipper on my skirt today so I asked if she could send it to be altered. Again, she told me the same thing. She also added that she intended to buy some groceries too and thus, if I did want anything I should tag along. Fine. Then I told her I would do that myself and that I'm also gonna get the pair of boots from Joan later in the afternoon. She didn't reply to that so I took it as a good sign. Anyways, I was also playing with the parrot in her room. I kept trying to bite her and she was hot and yadda yadda yadda. My fault. Whatever. So I left the room.

She kept pestering me to go. I didn't want to. Don't ask me why ok? I just don't feel like it. Hey, parents keep telling you that they wanna go here or there or everywhere during whenever and turns out its all bull, so why can't kids not wanna go somewhere?

Anyhoos, I was irritated and veggitated and whatever "ed-ed" you wanna put in. So yeah. I just didn't wanna. She kept bugging me and I still didn't wanna go. So she asked me for the last time if I wanted to come along and duh, I said no. Then she was all like "Feel my wrath" and she banged on my brother's door to get him to wake up and follow her and all that. Which is of course to no avail. Thus she went out herself and slammed and banged the door on the way out. Then she called home and like a Siao Ginah told me that she didn't give me permission to go out later.

Parent are supposed to discipline you, I get that. But when your parents resort to childish acts to, I don't know, reprimand you its sort of whatever-ish. =/

When I think about it, my brother was already at home so why didn't she wake him up and ask him to follow her? I mean she knows that my timetable is unpredictable, so why didnt she persuade my brother first or instead if she intended to do some grocery shopping after she paid the bills? =/

Tell me, is this not lame?

isn't someone missing me?

2005-09-09T20:42:00.000+08:00

i went out today.
*grins*

to celebrate lisha's birthday.
nisa, feezah, joan, azril, hidhir, zahran and two chinese boys were there.
quite fun la i must say.
got eye candy to see... ((:

anyhoos, we watch The Longest Yard.
that show rocked.
very funny.
nelly was one of the actors. ((:
woah nelly!!
he rawks.
he can run.
and like his screen name he's a maggot on the field.

saw tanya too.
darling, that's just a joke.
sorry ok?

yeah, that's the long and short of it.

i miss these people.
a LOT.
two i just met.
but i still miss.

<33
sayang you all you noe?

i'm still your pain

2005-09-05T20:50:00.000+08:00

I will now update my blog only once a week until further notice.
Or rather, until I get my results for my Promos.
If I resume blogging, I will not eat for a month.
If I don't, please send a bouquet of roses to the following address...
-.-"

This is only if I have enough will power.
Go Restria, go Restria. Go, go, go Restria!!

Linger over the picture ok? Espescially tt makkal//pariah//Nash. ((:
I'm sorry. I so totally look like a guy lorh. I couldn't help it.

lost

2005-09-04T01:32:00.000+08:00

i lost everything when i lost you.

bwaahaaa!! no lah!!

but i did lose some stuff coz i didnt take care of it.
some cannot be bought back.
unlike my red and orange hairclips.
this is all due to plain ignorance on my part.
i took situations for granted for too long.

oh well.
*smacks face*

electrified

2005-09-02T18:21:00.000+08:00

*farts-

i wanna look like amanda ling of electrico.
ergo thick black specs white tank top sneakers and slightly baggy jeans.
help?

anyhoos. i wanna go out tomorrow. im damn bored la. i wanna go to the botanic gardens and take photos of flowers. but i don't have a good camera with me. by a good camera i mean an SLR. muaahaa! i actually want to go to a photography club meeting. i missed the last one to roll in a cowdung fertilizer field. yay.

i wanna go to jurong point and get some stuff aka snacks. BUT! i dont have a shitload of moolah but instead ive got homework. yay. hopefully knowledge really is power.

boots. oh man. this thought about cash makes my head hurt. my head berdenyut-deyut you know. sodding hell.

oh rite!! muaahaahaahaahaa!! i took part in a practical joke just now. helluva fun. i wish i was a guy. we played a trick on this naive little girl. aawwhh... poor thingy. but she should wise up ar. act her age instead of her shoe size. ahakz. people, i would not haunt you if you shoot me right now.

i wanna go to town. and i also wanna go study at jurong east. yay. ahakz. where are all my kengkawan to do all this rubbish with anyways?.

haiyah...daymn bored la. i want yummy tasting sinful stuff. ice cream and the lot.

yourself

2005-08-31T18:39:00.000+08:00

take it here

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

- You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.

- You don't really care about other people's feelings. You do things the way you want and usually think only about yourself. You are easy-going and love to have fun, but you can be irresponsible as well. You are not keen on serious discussions because they can make you remember that life isn't always about parties.

- You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.

- Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?

- Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

<33 unity

2005-08-31T17:25:00.000+08:00

Today was like a totally awesome day la!! I loike. Wakakakaka!!

Okies, we were supposed to come to school in our house tee shirts coz we had to do the Aces Day Workout. Which is really funky might I add. So anways, came to class den went to assembly. Hehe!! Tasya gave me brownies. Fucking nice siak!! I want MORE. Muaahaa.

Ok ok. Shaddarp. We were then seperated into our houses, watched the people who choreographed the dance dance, then we were supposed to go back to our classes. Me and the boys watched the Angklung Kulintang performance then we headed back to our class coz they wanted to play Pepsi-Cola. -.-"

Headed to the hall at 9.45 to watch the concert. All the stuff that the peeps put up was not bad arr. Ahakz. But I think that the Micheal Jackson thingy was a total HIT. Like, that Tom Welling look-a-like can daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance. Daymnn! I was told that he was the Micheal Jackson of MI but he looks so darn decent lar. Gosh, that was DOPE man. Ahakz. Then got the mat-ish P.E teacher singing. Ahakz!!! I shouted "I love you mat!!" when he was talking sia. Like when it was least expected. MUAAAHAAA!!! Den everyone was trying to find out who it was den the teacher oso like stopped talking. MUAAHAA!! Kick me ar. I was like so daymn fucking rude lorh.
Muaahaa!! Fuck ar.

I then rushed off to get to Unity. Like as rushed as possible ar. What the heck la, the bus was like so damn late lorh. Den swerve like nobody's business. Shit siak. Ok, then when I reached Unity the concert had like just fucking ended lorh. SHIT siak. They said Zarifi danced then got ASMARADANA!! I TOTALLY LIKE THAT SONG AND DANCE CAN??!!! Arrgghh!! Ughhh!! Oh nevermind ar.

Saw SO many people siaa. Stacey, Jia Jia, Nunu, Fairuz, Qiao Yuan, Gavin, Shi Rong, Fadzly, **Azril, *Tanya, HIDHIR...

I think after that name no need to say anymore coz he was the highlight of my day. WAKAKAKA!!
He's so flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Was excited to see him, then at first he didn't see me ar, but then he did then he pointed at me and then he smiled. -swoon swoon... over the moon-

* I totally miss Tanya. Was happy that we got to spend time together.
**I know Azril's my cuzzen and all but I haven't seen him for eons. I miss him. Aaaaaaaaaaaand, before I left Unity to go and have lunch, I went over to him, told him Bye and that I loved him and went off. Muaahaa! Sappy la.

Hmm. I think what happens after this is of no interest to you people already. Ahakz. Wished I stayed longer in Unity. For what reason, I dunno (might be so that I can oogle Dir some more). Coz my main reason was to see my batch of people. NOT the teachers. I just don't know what to talk about to teachers. And I am not the kind of person whowill make light conversation with teachers. I do not know why.

People, we MUST have a gathering!!

Force = Mass x Acceleration

2005-08-30T00:22:00.000+08:00

i think someone is avoiding me.
HAIYAH. FADZHAN LAR. CAN?
oh sod it. the fault is all on me.
i took him for granted.
sorry.
too late now.
forget it babes.

should i slit my throat to make you notice?
or throw up my heart to present to you?

decisions decisions...

Up Yours

2005-08-27T03:07:00.000+08:00

Look at the time people. I'm phreaking bored.

*whispers*
The other day, slept from 12am till 4am with my bedroom lights on.

NO! Despite what you think I'm not a pussy. I was reading a book and I fell asleep. Cough up like what? $20? $40? For the bill. All for nothing. I'm sorry. And its not gonna get any cheaper.

I'm still celik. I dun feel like sleeping uh. Funnily enough, people are still online.

We moved our classroom.
Endy's cute. Muaahaa. Shaddarp.

Oh!! Pissed pissed pissed pissed PISSED. This Seoh. Farken beeyatch. Grrr. Oh nevermind. Enough that I got it.

Public display of affections still disgusts me to the MAX. There are contradictions out there. But lets not digress. So! PDA, disgusting but not bothered by it now. Coz too many people have been rubbing it in my face and it stinks to high heavens of poo and thus I think that its not -that- worth it. Coz, there's too many white lies and abuse involved and its just not quite right. Too much rubbing equals less friction and too much of anything is sickening lar. Kwang kwang.

But I've still got crushes.
Ladidah.

Gotta oxy-cute `em.

The twists and turns of my thumping heart you cannot see.
But if I slashed my throat in front of you, would you save me?
Or would you let me be?

It doesn't take a lot to catch your eyes.
But what must I do to take your breath away?

Sorry. Emo.
That goes out to the guy who calls me Fauzi.
Coz he misses his old friends. *rolls eyes*

Cowdung

2005-08-24T20:16:00.000+08:00

I like being vague.

I hate know-it-alls.

I hate to study.

I hate to drag myself to bathe after training.
Unless its in school.

What am I?

Ans: Bum-et aka Restria.
Muaahaa.

Everybody has onebody.
( Somebody. Like, some is alot kan? So onebody arr. =x )
Ahhh. But I'm not Everybody...
I'm Restria. The bimbette.

2005-08-20T17:27:00.000+08:00

I might just be proud to be a woman.
Girl if you like.

I stumbled a cross this blog.
And it shows alot of females and although I don't really like to look at tits, some of them are just breath taking. The curves of a naked woman cannot be compared to anything else. There is one featured photographer who workes with males and I took a look at them. A straight body, round cute and perky butts and rock hard abs. Not really nice.

A woman has sensuous curves and if captured in the right light, is gorgeous. I think that's the reason why women are chosen over men to sort of "star" in nude art. I used to think it was just the hormones of the artist talking. I used to hate it. Now, I see the truth.

Better still, the ones that photograph well are the ones with a little meat on their bones. The stick figure ones are just like the men. Boring. They have straight bodies, small A cup boobs, and protruding bones. No curves at all. Women were made to have more body fat and curves for a reason.

I saw the Bukit Panjang High Guy on Thursday. With his little brother. *aaawww
He made my heart go pom pom tiao. Ok lar. Not really. I got over him.
And he still lives a couple of blocks away. And he's still tall and handsome and walks fast.

You make my heart turn. And yet you never notice.

womenity

2005-08-20T00:38:00.000+08:00

If I say "I'm independent" ten times over I might just convince myself that I am.

I'm independent
I'm independent
I'm independent
I'm independent
I'm independent
I'm independent
I'm independent
I'm independent
I'm independent
I'm independent.

Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah, that worked.

Real Fakes

2005-08-16T18:18:00.000+08:00

Some people write in their blogs about the problems they have. They start off so serious and all that and then it comes.

"People think I don't need a guy in my life." -.-

So anti climax can? I mean yeah, I don't have one either and with MI being THE haunt for lovers or whatever, I do feel really low at times for not being attached or whatever. Its pathetic I know, but waddaheck? Now, it doesn't really bother me too much. I don't know why. But there is the fleeting sense of *hhm* of wanting? yearning? to have one. Just to remember what it's like to be in a 24hr roller coaster ride. From the 'I miss you's to the 'Don't you like me anymore?' Though I've always been the one who initiated the break-up.

I admit, I get bored easily. No, make that I got bored easily to stay in a relationship. My longest was two months and my shortest wasn't a real relationship at all. I guess I liked the sugar coated sweetness of the chase. When things got stagnant I wanted out. So maybe now that I'm hopefully much more mature, I'm ready to try out a longer time period. *sniggers* The last time I said that I didn't get anywhere.

I digressed. :p
I also write about stupid stuff. Like school and results and whatever. But I don't think I go all oh-my-oh-my-this-is-so-serious and all that sort of shit.

God, its like only in Singapore do people chase after a piece of paper instead of whatever it is people should chase.

Oh why am I saying all these anyway? I MUST find more interesting topics to write about.

I would rather seem promiscuous than undesirable.

On this fateful day...

2005-08-15T17:15:00.000+08:00

I was late. For the first time ever in my entire few months in MI.
Ok, maybe I was just on time on a few occasion but that wasn't recorded.

It was hot day. No wind no whatever. I had a feeling that my dad won't send me to school but I didn't wanna believe that thought. Me being the lazy bum that I am. So by the time I got to know that I wasn't going to get a ride to school it was already 7.05 or later. 5 minutes for me to rush to the bus interchange. What choice did I have? I was pissed, yes. That information could have been useful at 6.30am, thank you very much. But I dunno. That was partly my fault? Heck.

I unlocked the main door and slipped out of my hell hole. Took my Converse shoes, slipped them on and tip-toed down to the second floor where I took the lift. My mom was at the door calling out to me. I guess I was going to get a ride anyway? But I couldn't care less. I was upset (as in the sad upset). When I reached the void deck I tied my shoes and walked slowly blating my MP3.

Bus 77 had left and thus I had to wait for 61 instead. I wanted to take a cab actually but I didn't wanna waste my moolah. So, I walked halfway to school. Waited for the 173 bus. It was a hot day and I was irritated and I wanted to be late anyways for some unfathomable reason. So I waited and I wasn't able to board the bus because it was packed. Which left me to walk up the slope to school. I was late. Yay!

When I reached school, the students were going up to class. That didn't make me too late did it? They recorded our names in their little gizmo shit and we waited for godknowswhatreason. Then they made us write our names. What? Technology a little too advance for you people? Whatever. Then that crazy Dicipline Whoever talk to each and every one of the PU3s. HEN BO LIAO OK??

Like HELLO!! Eventhough we were late, we came to school ok? And its not like we wanted to be late rite? We are in here to study rite? Just to clear the PU3s took him like 15 minutes. And it was 8.15am by then. WEI!!! WE CAME HERE DESPITE BEING LATE AND NOT JUST GETTING A FAKE MC TO STUDY OK? Like got nothing to do like that. Being late is one thing, holding us back and making us even later is just downright stupid. Even if some of us were intentionally late its better than not coming to school ok? That's a whole different story. It was just so fucking stupid lorh.

Then the big hot shot told us that he doesn't give a flying fuck that we are late for lessons and all that shit about us being late on purpose. Like what the heck? Now, I really don't wanna be late. Its just wasting my time. I can spend my time studying Maths instead of practising my eye rolling, I'm sorry I won't do it again look or my blank/dumbfounded/I respect you look. I mean, seriously. Get a proper life! Then Ong-Ong came and took charge. She asked who were late the first time for this term advised us a little and then reprimanded the rest. Then, she sent all of us off. I guess she herself was getting impatient. I wonder if the big hot shot got screwed?

Anyways, I was late for Maths. Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. Lessons were the usual. Boring to the core. Then I stayed back to complete my essay. Ladidadida.

Have you people noticed that there are small ant swarms at the 77 bus stop? The one that goes to Bukit Batok? Well, I said it out loud and Hafizah said they were cute. *grins* Then Nadia got freaked and she got the feeling that they were on her. Hua hua. Then off to return my books. My skirt sucks. The zipper won't zip up. It goes up only 7/8 of the way then stops. Bullshit right? Dalah biler time nak beli datang lambat, buat kerja pon tak senonoh. Tak worth my money ko tahu tak? Naseb aku la agaknyer.

I can't wait for the pantun competition happening tommorow. Hehe!! Joget Melayu semanis tebu!! Wakakaka!! Konferm gelak sehh...

blahblahblah

2005-08-14T18:55:00.000+08:00

I should really blog. But I'm a lazy lady.

I should really do my homework. But I'm a lazy lad

I should really wash my mug. But I'm a lazy la

I should really do practice my Math. But I'm a lazy l

I shud relli studi. But i'm a lazy

Funny how I'm not lazy enough to find a new skin for my blog.
And edit it.

The sole of my toe is dry and peeling.
Why?

What hurts more than losing you,
is knowing that you're not fighting to keep me.

NDP`

2005-08-10T21:38:00.000+08:00

Break out the blue and yellow!!

Yesterday ROCKED to the CORE!! Albeit a bad start to the day. I will actually miss the trainings we had man. Eventhough most of them were held so far away from home. It was actually really hard for me to drag myself out of bed and all that. It feel just like yesterday I tell you. Gonna miss it so much. Espescially the dance.

I met Nazihah and Rachelena at Jurong East at 10am. We boarded and started talking total rubbish all the way to Tampines. That was really fun. We reached Tampines really early (like 2hrs early?) so we had brunch at Burger King. Waited for Nana, Tracy and TASYA. Nana and TASYA looked HAWT!! Haha. They wear the blue pants la dey. So HOT kan?!

After we met up we went to Tampines Mall. Changed (WOOHOO!! BANANA LADIES!!) and took neoprints and rubbish pictures. Thus, we were late to get to the stadium. Rush bananas, rush, rush, bananas!! Haha. Blah blah blah. That part was boring lar. Azar yakked away... Ahaha!! Then off to the hot hot HOT field. We went to the loo to put on out tattos. Hehe... Late again lar... Muahaha!! We took pics before going out to the field. So yeah. :))

It was a blistering hot day can? Turned most of us off. BUT! We are motivators la dey. What to do? We were excited to BOOGEY!! A few practices, going off to check our places, munching on KFC, and then we were off. We had glitter on our hair, red and white clips, Singapore tattos and retro earrings. Haha!! FUN!!

Few minutes on the stage was enough to make me sweat. Hated it seh. Naz was irritated lar coz she was afraid of fainting i guess. Haha. But we kept our spirits high! When the song came on it was time to show off our moves that had taken weeks to perfect. Bliss I tell you. But we only danced to it once. ONCE! Arrgh!! Then we had to teach the crowd how to dance. So-so larh.

Rested. Sweated and gossiped. Did the big Hello and the Singapore Wave. Blah blah blah. So many people were on our platform. Including the *ehem* motivators that were supposed to be with the crowd. A lil irritating at first, but it all worked out well. Some parts of the event were a lil irritating too. Like the SUPER HUGE banner of Potong Pasir GRC or something. Like what the hell... Nevermind...

What else? We had nothing to do after the dance number 40 or something so we sat down and talked. Blah blah blah. I'm sorry, I'm not used to writing down everything that happened. So anyways, we talked some more. By the time night had fallen I was almost gonna sleep. But cannot leii. So finally, as promised by Azar, the song came out, we danced some more, we sang to our other national songs and saw the fireworks. That was really a highlight.

Soon, the party ended. We made a fool out of ourselves. Lucky it was at Tampines I tell you. Haha!! Debriefing session. More fun and laughter and shoutings. Haha. Then off to TM to change to our shorts and tee to go home.

Haiyah. The day cannot be captured by my flat mindless words all strung together to make a sentence. It was a BLAST. You cannot just read it off a screen. You've just got to be there to feel the whole atmosphere. And I can't believe that yesterday was the last day I got to dance that dance. *Sigh*

Nana, TASYA, Tracy, Naz and Rachel... You people kick some serious ASS!!

Roger That

2005-08-08T21:06:00.000+08:00

"A porno queen told me that she prayed for the best for her children. Do you believe that?"

Lets not to into ethics and all that bull.
Yes, a mother knows best. Interest?

Don't help me feel. Help me rid of my thoughts and emotions.

FUCK LARH! I DUNNO HOW TO PUT INTO WORDS HOW I FEEL CAN?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

AND I FUCKING HATE THE FUCKING FACT THAT MY COUSINS KNOW OF MY FUCKING BLOG.

NOT MAKING BLOGGING ANY MORE FREE-ER!!

BULLSHIT LAH!! I THINK IM STUPID AND INCOMPETENT AND USELESS AND FUCKED UP AND LAZY AND I HATE MAKING FUCKING REASONS FOR MYSELF. I KNOW WHY MY FUCKING MOTHER TOLD ME ALL THAT SHIT. JUST SO I WILL STUDY MORE AND PROVE HER WRONG AND WHATEVER SHIT! SO I THINK ITS STILL FUCKING BULL. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. AND I CAN USE THE WORD FUCK AS MUCH AS I FUCKING WANT. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. SO U THINK U KNOW BEST? I KNOW OK? U THINK I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CONSCIENCE? I JUST DON'T WANNA BE HERE. WHY IS MY BROTHER AND WHOSOEVER HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE IN ITE WHILE *I* HAVE TO SLOG THRU ANOTHER THREE FUCKING MINDLESS YEARS IN THIS FUCKED UP PIECE OF SHIT OF AN EXCUSE FOR A SCHOOL? I DON'T CARE HOW THAT SOUNDED. I PISSED. SO PISSED IM FUCKING CRYING. I DON'T FUCKING FUCKING CARE ANYMORE ABOUT STUDYING. CAN YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!

DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE SAY I'M GOOD ENOUGH TO GET INTO THIS SHIT PIECE OF CRAP THEY CALL AN INSTITUTE. COZ I'M SO FUCKING NOT. YEAH YOU TALK SO FUCKING BIG IT'S SO FULL OF SHIT. AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE. IF I WAS SO FUCKING SMART I WOULD BE SOMEWHERE BETTER. U THINK I WILL DO WELL? I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT CALLED INTEREST. I FUCKING DREAM IM CLASS. I FUCKING THINK ABOUT WHAT TO EAT IN MATH. I FUCKING WONDER ABOUT WHAT SONGS THERE ARE IN MY MP3. I FUCKING GEAR MYSELF UP FOR THE LONG BUS RIDE HOME. I FUCK I FUCK AND I SUCK!!!

SO NOW I HAVE TO PROVE YOU WRONG? SO NOW YOU THINK I WILL THROW AWAY MY FUTURE. SO NOW WHAT? I HATE THAT YOU DID THAT OK? I WILL NOT ANSWER THE PHONE LAR. HELLO! I WILL DIE. I AM GOING TO DIE I TELL YOU. I DON'T THINK THE FUCKING FUTURE IS WORTH TO BE THOUGHT OF. OKAY? O FUCKING KAY?!

nude

2005-08-07T22:20:00.000+08:00

I feel so naked.
Stripped down to my bones.
I want booze.

Help me feel.
Help me.
Help...

Islam

2005-08-06T20:46:00.000+08:00

I came across a blog that is, well, hard to swallow.
And I asked around for a reason.
And all I got was why.
Even had a ridiculous example with an equally ridiculous answer.
Its not funny.
Its sad.

I must know why.
Coz everything we do, every move we make, has a reason.
I don't wanna be in this just coz my ancestors were in it too.

Its not right.
Its a journey.
A journey to know your reason why you are here.
Its sad that I don't know it.
And its sad that people who I thought knew, didn't.
And instead, just totally blew it off.
I didn't get angry.
It just made me sad.
Even I don't know it.

So the answer is this...
To cleanse our sins. And to have more faith. And for Him to forgive you.

Thank you.
I thought we were in an era where it didn't matter anymore.
Coz no one remembers Him now.

touch

2005-08-05T20:39:00.000+08:00

Hhmm...

You make me wanna SCREAM!!

Wednesday was a fair day larh... I missed the shuttle run block, lost my momentum and was 0.1sec away from an A. Another 1cm to a B in standing broad jump. Took photographs. Fun fun.

Thursday... Had to copy notes which was already photocopied for us. Yay. Forget liao la.

Today... Haishh... Bad day at the field. Bad passes. Stupid day lar. Dun like it at all. Wish I was playing better. No subs = Disaster. No standard seh. Hate myself ar. 52cm for sit and reach tho.

Wawa not dying ok? Sayang Wawa. Baaaad ***.

Feuk larh. I lazy to blog.

shoes

2005-08-01T20:13:00.000+08:00

these shoes were made for walking

we're gonna walk all over you

wills which will turn to will-nots

2005-07-31T19:29:00.000+08:00

i will study properly.
i will now do h/w religiously.
i will also clean my room religiously.
i will now get off the comp coz my bro's friends are here to use it.

p.s. : who killed hazwana and made themselves captain of the touch team? WHO?!? or is she dying? (baaaad joke)

i think im crazy must be stupid must have lost my mind!!

screwed

2005-07-29T17:20:00.000+08:00

Oh... Did I tell you? I'm gonna get scolded and screwed today. My results sucked.

Laziness 1
Me 0

Hazel Eyes

2005-07-29T16:55:00.000+08:00

Just a few days ago while I was under my block, I contemplated slamming my forehead on the sharp corner of a slab of rectangular wall. Upon impact, I wanted to fall on my back and just bleed to death if it was possible. I wanted to be found by a stranger. I wanted to detach myself from my life. I wanted to look like a cold misplaced body. I didn't want my parents to find me or bury me. I wanted to be buried under a fake name. If that was possible.

Today, I have another loser anthem. I found out stuff that I'd rather not know. I'd rather live a lie. I'd rather a lot of other things. *Sigh* So that bunny. And that cat. They should gobble each other up.

I'm starting to think that the good news that I got to know on Wednesday was all just a hoax. Or a jump-into-conclusion sort of stuff. But whenever I'm in school, I can't help wondering. And then I see those people again. And I get sick and I slowly come to terms that it might just be a fake. But it did brighten up my week a little.

I want a hole to open up and swallow me. And the world to leave me all alone. And the days to keep on raining. Its not sad. Nor am I trying to be goth like. I just like the idea of the sound of the rain in total darkness. The cold wind chilling you to your bones. The shivers running down your spine. I want to hide in a corner and cry the day away. But I feel as though I'm in a circular room. Just going around in circles. Getting crazed thoughts, getting delusions.

I think its no use to dwell on Chip no more. Chip aka Cat, has a Bunny. Fill in states at room temperature. He can't possibly NOT have a -ugh- Bunny.

Ahh... The age of madness... I heart Chip no more... But you have to agree, that Arab, squeeky-voiced, hunky, gorgeous speciment of a teen is very nice to oogle and droogle at... ( That sounds crap but I wanted something that rhymes with oogle and has the same meaning as drool )

[[ But you won't get to see these tears I cry ]]

cherry stalks

2005-07-28T23:41:00.000+08:00

Today. THE monumental day! I tied a cherry stalk. With. My. Tongue.

Read it and WEEP!

Pucker up boys!! Ahahaha!!

Beginner's luck larh. Haha!!

Anyways, should I or should I not? If I do, I get a free meal. If I don't, I just won't risk embarrassing myself. *Sigh* Food or face? Oh, woe is me. Bwahahaha!!

And Shohiful still owes me a meal.
Maciam kena forgeddit seh. The whole bet rubbish.

I'm gonna get screwed tomorrow.

Erm, I'm going to Jurong Bird Park On Wednesday. I'm part of a geek Photograpy SOCIETY you know. But I'm the sexiest member. Coz I'm the fittest! Muaahaaa!! Eat my booger!! But the year twos are nice lar... Afifah... :)) Glad she knows I'm in touch too. Made me feel really welcomed.

The teacher asked me why I wanted to join the society. I simply said interest. I should have said that I am a narcissist and that I want to know how to flatter my already perfect face. I would have liked to see his reaction.

I'm excited to learn the stuff in photography. Espescially black and white. Sephia. Photographer anyone?

[[ **** Akan ku bertanya pada bintang-bintang **** ]]

batasan

2005-07-26T20:25:00.000+08:00

lalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

reno reno reno reno reno reno~

slow down...i just wanna get to know you...but don't turn around~

hhmmmss...don't you wanna go for a ride? coz you won't get no sleep tonight...
i'll even tell you my dirrrty lil secrets...don't tell anyone...shhh~
who has to know?

bouncing off the walls again...i'd get so weak in the knees...
let's not wait till the waters run dry...
i'm your venus, i'm your fire...at your desire...

sing with me...
iiiiiiiiiii waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant yooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!

lovers and friends

2005-07-24T21:46:00.000+08:00

shit ok. enough is enough!
i have had enough of all these public display of affections and "love" proclamations
it's sickening!!

do you have to rub it in people's faces?
so apparently you have your significant other.
oh goo-fucken-dy to you!
so?!?
what the hell?!?

okay. i can't possibly control all these stuff.
but when it comes to the point of breaching into school it like, ARRGH!!
like, control your freaking hormones.
and let us singletons live in peace lar!!

everywhere hug hug lar
kissy face lar
whatever shit lar
enough!

i'm not saying it a freaking crime.
but really, there should be a line shouldn't it?
unity has its fair share of lovers and friends
and being single there never bothered me
but in this stupid institute~
merapek betol
to the point of like left right center oso got couples
like being single there is so unheard of like that

pressure to have a guy?
i don't know
have yet to figure that out.
verging i think.
seriously larh i don't think i can take this shiznitz.

STUFF HAPPENED LARH BODOH!
JANGAN NAK TANYER AKU LAR!
NABEH!
SO VERY THE TAKDER MOOD SIOL!
HOT SIAK!
MEMBARA KAU TAHU TAK?
KAU LAH SATU-SATU CONTOHNYA
BENGAP JUGAK EH KAU BAHALOL!?!
KEPALA BUTOH!

things

2005-07-23T17:04:00.000+08:00

Many things have happened.

I scored my 1st trail on Friday. Last week.
I fell twice yesterday. Not a nice sight.
I was sick yesterday and I played in the rain yet again. About three times already.
I was doing something so stupid yesterday. The reason why? Infatuation. He's cute can?
The senior rugby guys think that the younger ones are distracted by us. The touch girls. Please, have discipline. Prove the seniors wrong. We are not distracted by you. You people shouldn't be too. ( But could I add that when you guys tackle the red red thing, it makes the most intriguing sound and I will automatically look? )

I think that's all that I can remember for now.

Rugby rules.

infinite

2005-07-21T23:35:00.000+08:00

There are infinite possibilities in this ever changing, fast paced, world of ours. I, for one, never thought that I could actually have such strong feelings for someone of the opposite sex at my age. This is normal and it is of course, just the raging hormones.

And then came Chipmunk.

Living life the way I do is infuriating.

pretty`

2005-07-20T20:13:00.000+08:00

Eh, I pretty boh? Aiyah, actually, I cannot possibly care less lah.

Sometimes when I take a look at some of the photos that my friends take of me, I can hardly recognise my face. I say to myself "Eh, that girl. Pretty lei." Then I will ask who she is or I will take a closer look and then I will realise that that girl is me. Wow!

Eh, wait. I take a closer look ah. Inspect. Scrutinise. Walau!! My cheeks like hamster like that! Eee!! Double chin leh. You see properly. Can see anot?! Song bo!?!

Then from a shu nu I transform into a hairy basside. Opps, I mean backside.

No. I dunno why I do that to myself either. Or why I'm like this.

Eh, I not bad rite? I cute mah. Right? Right? Right...?

"I don't like hypocrites. Especially the kind that goes 'Eh I so pathetically thin leh' or 'Eh I'm only so&so kg' and then goes around fuckastupidly saying 'Eh I getting fat leh'. Go and die. I don't care who you are. Stop it. What the farken fark you tryna say huh?"

twain

2005-07-19T21:31:00.000+08:00

The frankest and freest product of the human mind and heart is a love letter; the writer gets his limitless freedom of statement and expression from his sense that no stranger is going to see what he is writing.

Mark Twain's Autobiography, 1959 preface

like me

2005-07-17T01:43:00.000+08:00

Valentine

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

-Carol Ann Duffy

Jealously

2005-07-13T18:14:00.000+08:00

Hi everybody! Meet my new 'lil green friend. Jealously!!

Had lunch at Bali Thai today. Stupendous eats! Shit service. Totally dumb larh. They put a sign saying wait to be seated and there was nobody to wait for you. You know what I mean? Practically no one was there to show you to the table. And the cashier could soooo see us but just like, didn't bother? Whatever. If not for the fact that my mom promised to take me there and I didn't wanna eat at another restaurant, we would have left.

Before you think I'm a brat, it was only because my mom treated my bro there once and she thought I should have a chance too. So there.

The food. Yummy like mad worh. Practically everything is spicy. Chilli padi everywhere. My type of food. Torture and heaven at the same time. There was this dish of young papaya and mango with chilli padi and onions and whatnot. Shiok arh!! Now for them to up their service.

I totally stared daggers at this one waiter. Not caring if I was seen as rude or a big fat (literally) brat. And to think we paid 10% service tax. That's TEN!! As in all your fingers!! S$4.75!! WEI!! DOWAN PAY CAN?! Heeyerr...

On a lighter note, my mid years are coming to an end tomorrow. And I think my results are below C. Yeah. All of them. Thank you very much.

And I don't like being called "Girl!" by my mom. Think I maid ar? I feel like one siah! Whatever lar. Nevermind. Was totally not in the right vibe.

Ouh yeah! One stupid lil stuck up bitch (not that she is up-to-date enough or deserving of the title) better watch whatever that comes out from her foul busuk and very tempting-to-bitch-slap trap. Fucking better watch it. I've tried to be really nice to her since she's so not in this abad. But since she prides herself, for some reason which I cannot possibly fathom, in being one of the oldest in 05S8, she better act much older.

For Pete's sake, I only took a look. Not spit or, god forbid, wrinkle your poor lil worksheet. And it was there, in front of your fugly arsewiped face. Think about it! No need to get your spores up in a frenzy. No need to scream bloody murder. Before I get totally sarcastic and bitchy with you, you little worm, watch your mouth. Stop spouting self praises. 'Coz darling, no one is really bothered with them. 80% of what you say, is totally irrelevant. Hmm, so uh... like how exactly do you uhh... get them uhh... summaries done? CUT it OUT!

I'm sorry. Mean streak showing. Three times trap whore. Three times. Okay, now!!
*Bah!*

stupidity

2005-07-11T15:59:00.000+08:00

complacent-ness.

i suddenly feel very stupid and incompetent.

somebody told me.
touch "tai-tais"
*bah!*

Restria

2005-07-10T11:57:00.000+08:00

I miss going to town. I miss taking the MRT to Plaza Singapura. Den walking to Cineleisure den walking to The Heeren den to Far East. Yeah. I miss town siah...

Lai...Jie jie sayang...

Ouh, yeah. I forgot to tell him that I only appreciated what we had only when we lost it. Ah well, too late now. I don't think I should think about it too much lorh. It will just frustrate me & him.

Haiyah...Easy to say, I lazy oready to dwell. Dwell oso I'm at the loss mah. For what rite? Den I'm the one not getting on with life. You win some, you lose some. In this case I lost a long lost friend. Which I am losing over again. So ironic liddat. Dunno lar. Reconcile den got wedge. Might as well not meet right? But everything happens for a reason and I've learnt the lesson. I guess.

So what if I lost him? And so what if the next conversation that we have will only end up with one of us walking away like that time at I dunno where. I've done my fair share of walking away. Not a good idea but I hate confrontations.

Okay. Now, he's out of my life. I've made other friends. And I've reconciled with a few more. Losing a friend with whom you shared a history with is hard. But what's harder is to look forward despite all the regrets and ignore that feeling in the pit of your stomach to look back. We must be patient for that rainbow to show after the thunderstorm. So if we meet, we'll meet. But not online, not thru the phone not thru any other means except for real. Face to face. I will not tolerate myself to think back to the past. As it is just that. The Past.

And anyways, I got to know that one doesn't really practise what one preaches. So just shuttup larh yeah? You're making yourself seem like a hypocrite. What an irritant.

I will now break all ties and cut all loose ends.

sexy punk rawk men...or just rockers

2005-07-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

i like the blink
esp tom. he's cute
gila bunch.
as with sum
but possibly the worst looking punkers alive
ok maybe got worse lar horh

i like the way greenday's singer sing.
open eyes big big like siao ginna.

latest band i discovered.
sugarcult. funny oso.

good charlotte.
yeahh...
love the tattoos
and benji and billy

lead singer of the killers
hottie

my chemical romance rocks
despite my lack of it

k larh i lazy to update lar
dunno ward to write oso

yawns

2005-07-08T21:12:00.000+08:00

i bite.
be nice.

when was i ever ready?

Ramdan's with Asilah... Tmr 1 month

2005-07-06T19:53:00.000+08:00

shoot me.

muaahaa

2005-07-04T15:10:00.000+08:00

wait

emoo

2005-07-04T01:54:00.000+08:00

you're my pain
my pleasure
my desire
my aphrodisiac

won't you go away?